An open letter to Naomi Wolf

Jonathan Porter

Dear Naomi

I’m sorry I said you were old and ugly.

Here’s how it happened (just in case you missed it). In a column in a provincial daily called The Australian I said that you only began wearing an Islamic veil after you became ‘’old and ugly’’.

Now you have shown your true colors as a fiery (and still hot) defender of underfed youngsters standing up for capitalism.

Let me explain.

I think you, and the youngsters you were defending, are on the right side here.

The socialists who daily tip champagne on the heads of the self same scrawny youngsters have been bailed out by the US taxpayer to the tune of at least 27 trillion clamolas.

My message to the Occupy movement: The next time you are standing under a Wall Street balcony and someone tips champagne on your head, say: ‘’Hey! We paid for that, you commie bastards.’’

But back to the apology.

A presumably tired and emotional Naomi had just left a Huffington Post function held for a collection of lever-pulling insiders including New York governor Andrew Cuomo, a celebration of the kleptocratic America.

Smoking authoress ... Wolf is bravely tackled by New York's finest Picture: Stanley Rogouski

The protesters have a strong disaffinity with lever pullers just now because of the aforementioned subsidized champagne-on-head tipping.

After a brisk discussion with the local constabulary a phrenologically challenged officer ushered Naomi into a paddy wagon (actually, as a person of British Isles descent, I prefer Irish-American wagon)

Oddly enough back in 2008 I made my original claim to your ugliness in the context of a military coup in the US.

I had just seen you on my electric television machine talking about the rise of fascism in America and the warning signs (I wonder how many you have now ticked off in the present unpleasantness – and please, don’t say all of them).

Back then I wrote: “Naomi Wolf, in her book The End of America, cites 10 steps to fascism, which include invoking external and internal threats and establishing secret prisons.

“By the way, did you see the Beauty Myth author recently said she had tried on the Muslim veil and relished the ‘freedom and serenity’ it gave her? It's interesting to note that she only got around to extolling the veil's virtues after she got old and ugly.’’

Meanwhile, the Occupy protesters have come under fire in the lever puller media for such crimes as only allowing non-white non-males to speak at meetings after one of the proscribed variety rises to make a point.

For instance, if a white male stands up at a meeting only a woman, or person of color or even better a transgender Martian of restricted growth who recently immigrated to Pluto can speak next.

Imagine if such a thing had been tried at Philadelphia in 1776.

Oddly enough I actually have the minutes of a meeting in a parallel universe where the non-white non-male (NWNM) rules of debate were tried.

Chairperson: The meeting will come to order. The chair recognizes the gentleman from Virg …

John Hancock: I see the new paperclips have arrived.

Jefferson: Comrades, I spent the night working on the Dec …

Chairperson: Sorry Tom, under the NWNM rules you’re out of order, unless perchance you’re a sodomite.

General laughter … “Pull the other one, it plays Jingle Bells’’ etc.

Several hours pass, crickets chirrup. Jefferson throws some velum he’s been working on into the Fire and wanders off to the Slave Markets to “check on some new arrivals’’.

Adams: I’m d—-d if I’m going to let that whoremonger humbug me again, I mean, I’m going to the apothecary.

Washington, Sam Adams and U.S. Grant have long since wandered off to the nearest Tavern.

Redcoats arrive, slaughter the rebels, lock the doors and burn the joint down, killing everyone who was laying doggo.

See what I mean?

The rule, if true (I suspect most of the anti-Occupy comments have been penned by Cass Sunstein and his missus), is just the kind of generic Trotskyite silliness douchebags come up with and the rest of us have to put up with to keep the bloody peace – except we shouldn't.

Speaking of phrenology, a science that was dumped way too hastily in my opinion, I think these protests could get a bit ugly.

You have a group of coppers armed to the teeth with guns, nightsticks, retractable batons, mace and Tazers on one side – and a group of scrawny oval-headed kids on the other side armed with nothing but their constitutional rights that millions of Americans died face down in the mud to defend.

The coppers, all of whom have low criminal foreheads, have not clearly read Sun Tzu – the smartest way to win a war is to do it without fighting , Carl von Clausewitz – war is the province of danger, therefore courage is the most important virtue of the soldier – how much courage does it take six coppers to put a smoking hot academic in the back of an Irish-American wagon, (and you can forget Gandhi) and sadly the only thing the police understand is force.

The kids aren’t going anywhere (why not? Oh, that’s right: no jobs remember – thank you, lever pullers).

Anyway, Naomi, once again I’m sorry about what I said, and if you tell me which hoosegow they’ve thrown you into I’ll bring you cigarettes (or a veil, or Oil of Ulan, whichever is more appropriate).

For updates on the charges against Wolf and some great video of the arrest go to http://naomiwolf.org/

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